i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
every college guy’s fridge
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”