nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*