*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
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Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Breaking news:
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids