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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Why am I like this?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.