Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Merica.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
This is true.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.