It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”