My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE