Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
repaired
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The funk soul brother
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.