The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
British websites use biscuits.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”