Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now