ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
selena gomez
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people