If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
me after eating Cheetos
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
What
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”