DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?