Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.