If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.