“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down