Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
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don’t be scared
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Oh. My. God.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
That eye roll….
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs