ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”