my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.