Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Perfection.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.