Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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Hmm, not sure about this change
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun