[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Taking phone security to the next level.
Watermelon Boss!
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission