Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..