Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.