Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.