Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living