me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
This is true.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Don’t snitch tag.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.