Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
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Breaking news:
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble