Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
just having fun
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
best first i’ve ever seen
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.