I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?