An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
describing stardew valley
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.