Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
our love story in four pictures
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke