Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…