I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?