Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
You Might Also Like
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.