Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The glockness monster
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.