I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy