Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
PLOT TWIST:
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.