You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.