my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
nature’s most graceful animal