Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Cherry seeds are just the pits.