“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.