So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
stand with me against insufficient seating
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
The Struggle
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.