What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.