Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
What