omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????