[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?