ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You Might Also Like
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles