INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Love it! 👍😂
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler