“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.